The crazy things we do for love

Dena Domenicali-Rochelle,LCSW
is a clinical social worker and psychoanalyst. She is a graduate of New York University School of Social Work and the William Alanson White Institute for Psychoanalysis. She has a private practice in midtown Manhattan…

As a practicing psychoanalyst, I can confidently declare:
Everybody goes a little bit crazy at the beginning of a relationship. Is that a massive generalization? Yes. Have I also found it to be true? Absolutely.

One could argue that it’s bad form for a psychoanalyst to use the word “crazy” in such a nondescript manner, so let me be more specific: What do I mean by crazy? I mean that at the beginning of a relationship, people often lose touch with reality. They have a hard time distinguishing between fact and fiction. They invent stories in their head and convince themselves that they’re true. Good judgment and patience fly out the window.

Why this is dangerous?
I don’t mean to suggest that this “crazy” is always a bad thing. In some ways, it’s exciting to get caught up in the drama of new love. But that “crazy” place often feels uncomfortable. It’s full of fear and anxiety. But more importantly, it’s a dangerous place because, though it’s not real, you respond to it as if it were. And the more decisions you base on an inaccurate assessment of what’s going on, the more of a mess you’re going to get yourself into. We’re crazy because we’re scared.

So if this kind of “crazy” is so uncomfortable and unproductive, why do people go there? The answer is simple: Because they’re scared. When you’re scared, it’s hard to calm down and be thoughtful in a way that allows you to see a relationship in a more complex, nuanced, and realistic way.

When you’re scared and you ask yourself, “Does he [or she] like me?” it’s easier to rush to the assumption “He doesn’t like me!” than it is to find the more realistic, thoughtful answer—which is often, frankly, “I don’t know how he feels about me. I’ll have to wait and see.” In my experience, people have a really hard time dealing with that “I don’t know” place. But here’s the thing: Sometimes it’s the only place you can be.